She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
