Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
