now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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