my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
