My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
