Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
