I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
