Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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