I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
