I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
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