if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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