mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
