Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
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