Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
