Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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