So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
