Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
