I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Randomize
