that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
