Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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