In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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