I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
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