as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
