if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
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