take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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