Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
