My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
