No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
