Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
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i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
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idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.