I wish I could punch you in the face.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
You need Xanax blowdarts
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.