my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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