Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
