so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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