I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
