So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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