i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Welp...herpes.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
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