i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
