she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
