Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
The air taste purple.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
