FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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