It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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