Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
