What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
