In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
