so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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