Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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