I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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