My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
