i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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