I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
