sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
