I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Duck Duck Cougar?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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