I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
