Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
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