at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
