i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
