I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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