I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
