is your mom at the bar?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
